The path to Tranquility (spring)
56. Ego is the main factor in conflict
The spiritual self appears to be the core of consciousness, but in fact it is only the shell of consciousness, a complex and multifaceted existence. It is a combination of instinct, emotion and habit, a contradictory mixture. We can think of the spiritual self as the internalization of the physical body, simply called the ego. From the inside, it is a bridge for us to understand ourselves and the outside world, but it is also an obstacle that obscures our understanding of our true needs. From the outside, it is both an initiator of connection and a source of conflict.
Like the husk of a plant seed, our ego is not a single, fixed entity but a dynamic system. However, from the day it was born, it carries our expectations, but when there is a gap between these expectations and reality, a sense of loss and frustration will follow, and even cause anxiety and depression. Multiple identities and habits make our ego multifaceted and full of conflicts. A person may play the roles of a parent, an employee, and a friend at the same time, and the demands of these identities often cannot be met at the same time, leading to inner struggles.
The influence of the ego is particularly significant in interpersonal relationships. When we strive to build intimacy and ultimately feel safe and stable, the ego may perceive this peace as a threat. The reason is that our ego needs to find meaning in conflict and challenge, just as a firefighter will feel useless and even question his own value when there is no fire. When a relationship becomes stable, the ego may reinforce its own existence by creating conflict, hindering true spiritual integration between the two parties.
The presentation of ego varies according to cultural background and requires our special attention. In collectivist cultures, where the ego tends to integrate into the group and emphasizes harmony and consensus, people may choose to suppress their personal needs in order to maintain the stability of the relationship. In individualistic cultures, the ego is more focused on independence and autonomy, and people tend to pursue personal goals even if they may conflict with the goals of others. For example, one partner living in a collectivist culture may choose silence to avoid an argument, while another partner living in an individualistic culture may be more inclined to express dissatisfaction directly. Failure to understand these cultural differences can easily lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in cross-cultural relationships.
Our ego not only affects our interactions with others, but also permeates our daily decision-making. It often drives us to pursue immediate gratification while ignoring long-term benefits. For example, in consumer behavior, some people may impulsively buy expensive items to gain short-term happiness but ignore long-term planning for financial health. In an intimate relationship, this short-sighted behavior may manifest as an excessive pursuit of romance or excitement while neglecting to build stable trust. A couple may feel passionate about each other through frequent arguments without realizing that these conflicts are eroding the foundation of the relationship. This habitual pattern of behavior highlights the ego’s desire for immediate rewards, even at the expense of the sustainability of the relationship.
With the rise of social media, our egos have been further amplified. People seek approval and admiration from others through carefully presented pieces of their lives, which reinforces their obsession with external image and social status. However, this phenomenon also brings many negative effects. For example, a person may show off the sweet moments with their partner on social media, but feel dissatisfied in real life due to excessive comparison, or even develop a competitive mentality with their partner. This false sense of self-worth makes relationships superficial and makes true intimacy and understanding difficult to achieve.
Therefore, to build healthy and stable relationships, we must learn to manage our ego so that it no longer becomes a conflict creator. Through meditation and mindfulness practices, we can increase our self-awareness and learn to remain calm when we are emotionally aroused. Regularly examining our behaviors and emotions and exploring the motivations behind them can help us gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and make wiser choices in relationships. Having honest conversations with partners and sharing each other's feelings and expectations can promote mutual understanding and build deeper trust.
Additionally, traveling together or learning a new skill can direct our egos toward a common goal. This joint effort not only strengthens the connection, it also makes the relationship more valuable. When we are genuine with one another and build intellectual and emotional trust, our egos gradually relax and conflicts decrease. This makes it easier for our consciousness to merge.
Consciousness fusion is an ideal state in which relationships are no longer bound by the ego, but instead form a true "us" based on shared emotional connections and goals. To achieve this state, we need to become aware of the shells that obscure us and let go of bad habits (such as over-control), over-imagination (such as unrealistic expectations), and false perceptions (such as over-emphasis on the self). When we are able to let go of our demands on each other and instead focus on growing together, we can gradually approach this selfless harmony.
In practice, if both parties can discuss their respective needs together and take actions to support each other, such as taking the initiative to share housework when the other is under pressure, this mutual assistance will form a harmonious pattern of getting along. When the ego no longer dominates behavior, the relationship naturally deepens and both parties gain emotional satisfaction. This gives our consciousness a chance to break free from the constraints of the ego.
While the ego can help us cope with the external world, it can also be a hindrance to inner growth. However, by understanding the complexity of the self and adopting proactive management strategies, we can transform the ego from an obstacle to a driving force for growth, allowing consciousness to mature faster. Just like overcoming a fear of heights, we can stay calm in high places by learning more about our own abilities and the characteristics of our environment.
Replacing the stubborn ego with a mature and flexible consciousness can not only establish a peaceful and stable living environment, but also find inner peace in a changing world. Our true self is the core of consciousness, not the reinforced shell. Therefore, through rationality and tolerance, we can establish deep connections with others, nourish each other in relationships, and ultimately merge into a complete soul.
55. Accepting new things is the only way to grow
57. Transcending those Soaring Birds
